


A Part Of Myself

by LilisBooks



Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Avengers Endgame, I needed to write this after that trailer, M/M, Pain, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), how dare you Marvel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 17:53:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16897251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilisBooks/pseuds/LilisBooks
Summary: Avengers: Endgame trailer but with Stony.Because, why not?Also, I'm in pain





	A Part Of Myself

**Author's Note:**

> This is un-beta, so any mistake please let me know and I'll correct it as soon as I can.
> 
> Also, if you haven't seen the trailer, possible spoilers ahead, so read with precaution.
> 
> Also, also: I mention Civil-War but let me clear this... I'm no one's team.

He had lost track of how much time had passed since Thanos won and he saw Peter...

But he was still trapped in space. 

And it was driving him crazy.

The possibility of never being found again was getting higher as minutes passed trapped in that old spaceship who most likely had seen better days. Just like him. Both the spaceship and him were barely holding it together, only drifting away in space with no promise of a tomorrow.

His worst fear had come to life, and there was no one with him.

In the end, Steve had lied once more. They weren't together when they lost, and they had lost more than anyone cared to, or could, admit.

Nebula, if he remembered her name correctly, didn't count, as she mostly kept to herself, grieving for the one they called Gamora, pain and regret explicit in her face. He was a little too familiar with those feelings.

Thinking about Rogers, and wondering if he also had been a victim of the snap but having no way of knowing it, Tony started tinkering with the destroyed helmet of the Iron Man suit, hoping there was a way he could send Steve what he so desperately needed to say.

He placed the helmet in front of him, tapping it with his fingers, worried he had missed his one and only chance. As if called, the lights in the helmet turn on and they start to scan him.

 

"You staying on?"

While the helmet hummed alive, he leaned back against one of the ship's consoles and tries not to flinch at the thought of being one of the people he saw... Instead, he focuses on the helmet, on what he wanted,  _ **needed**_ , to say and took a deep breath before beginning.

"Hey, Mr Rogers." He sighed, wondering if it was all pointless and Steve was actually dead. "If you find this recording... don't feel bad about this."

He took another deep breath, trying to ease his voice, which threatened to break at any moment in the near future. He had to do this, if even just to say what he could never say to the other man while they were together.

"Part of the journey is the end."

He remembered Steve's smile whenever it was just the two of them, bantering, laughing, talking, existing. 

"Just, for the record, being adrift in space with zero promise of rescue is more fun than it sounds..."

He could almost see Steve's disappointed, but amused, glare he would always send his way whenever he made a joke at the most inappropriate time. Steve would find this not to be the right time, but Tony couldn't care less. He was dying anyway. 

But Steve would want to know anyway.

"Food and water ran out...four days ago. Oxygen's gonna run out tomorrow morning and..."

_And maybe, if you're gone, I can finally see you again._

"... that'll be it."

There was no denying it, he was going to die.

He leaned forward, staring at the helmet's eyes as if it was actually Steve sitting right next to him like he should've, like he used to.

There's so much more he needs to say, so much more left unsaid, but there's not enough time, as the casket's lights flickered and Tony knew that the transmission was about to die, any minute now. There's never enough time anyway.

"When I drift off, I will..." he pauses, wondering what will actually convey what he wanted to say without sounding too blunt "dream about you," he says as he points at the helmet's eye, and his voice wavers once more. "It's always you."

 

 _I love you_ , he wanted to say, but it's not enough. 

 _I'm sorry_ , he lefts unsaid, knowing he should've called Steve when he had the chance if only to hear his voice one more time.

He turns the helmet off and leans back on the ship's console and lets the tears stream.

Nebula approaches him silently and rests a hand in his shoulder. The old him would have pushed her away, demanding to know what she heard, but there's no point anymore, they're all that's left.

He tries not to think that, after they're gone, no one will be left to avenge the people he loves.

...

Whenever he thought about being back at the Compound, it was always with Tony by his side, the Civil War forgotten and Bucky free of the brainwashing HYDRA had done to him for more than 60 years. 

This was the exact opposite of that.

Seeing Bucky disappear into thin air, right front of him, was a blow that almost destroyed him. But not knowing where Tony was, wondering if he had been a victim of the snap and regretting more than ever having left him behind in Siberia, as their parting words had been words full of anger and betrayal... That had been the tipping point.

He no longer felt worthy of being Captain America, but if Tony was still alive and out there, he would want to see the Steve he had left behind... even though that man no longer existed.

They had lost too much.

He shaved, if only because he was no longer on the run and seeing his face clean-shaven reminded him of simpler times when his biggest concern was figuring out how the new century worked. 

It also reminded him of Tony, the beautiful mornings they would spend together and the secret moments they shared, away from everyone else, just the two of them against the rest of the world. 

He wouldn't have minded lost if Tony was by his side, as he knew that together, they would find a solution to any problem that crossed their paths.

But he hadn't foreseen what happened next.

As he exited the bathroom, he saw Bruce looking at the faces of the heroes whose whereabouts were unaccounted for, Scott Lang,  _Ant-Man_ , Peter Parker,  _the kid, Spider-Man_ , and Shuri, the princess of Wakanda. 

His heart broke at the thought of the young ones, Shuri and Peter, as victims of the snap, but there was hope for them, Tony might be with Peter still. They were close back when they, Steve and Tony, had fought, and he saw how much Iron Man protected the young spiderling. They would protect each other, he was sure of that.

He had to believe they were alive.

"Thanos did exactly what he said he was going to do" he heard Natasha say as he entered the room where everyone,  _who was left_ , was gathered together. 

"He wiped out 50% of all living creatures."

The statement froze him to his very core, stopping him right where he was. 

This was too much.

Suddenly, the screen in front of them lighted up with the  _Incoming Message_ banner right in the middle.

No one dared to move, scared of what the message might be, terrified of hearing more bad news, more heartbreak, more pain and loss.

"Captain Rogers?" FRIDAY asked carefully as if she was scared of upsetting more the unsettled Captain.

"Yes, Friday?" 

"The message is from Boss" if she could whisper, she would've.

At that, Steve turned almost violently towards the screen, desperate to see, hear, touch the man who meant the world to him. 

 _He's alive_ , was the only thought present in his mind at the moment, and he was so entranced by the possibilities of seeing Tony again that he didn't notice when everyone else left him alone, giving him some privacy for this.

The screen went black, and for a minute Steve worried he had lost the message, but then Tony,  _ **Tony**_ _,_ appeared on screen, and while relief was there at seeing the love of his life safe and sound, it was short-lived as Tony was sitting there looking dirty, skinny, sick, tired.

Defeated.

As Steve heard the message, the despair and pain grew inside of him, as he knew the inevitable: Tony was alive, but not for very much longer.

But is when Tony says  _"It's always you",_ that a single tear leaves his eye, breaking his heart even more than anything else.

 _It was always you too, Tony_ he wants to say back, even though he knew he would be lying. He had put Bucky first, and while he didn't regret it, that particular decision had cost him everything.

The Spider-Kid was not with Tony, and he knows then that Tony is probably blaming himself.

He blames himself for Bucky and Tony.

He didn't know how much time he spent watching listening to that message over and over again, that single tear transforming into many more tears, but the sun was getting up when he stood up and went to their room,  _because it was still their room_ , and found the stealth suit Tony had built with him all those years ago.

He entered the office once more and was surprised to see that everyone, including Thor, was in their battle armours, with Tony's message on the background.

"We're doing this," he said, and even though they had made no plan whatsoever, it was all clear.

They would take the Quinjet to try and rescue Tony, even if they died trying.

Hulk had managed it once upon a time.

As they took their places in the Quinjet, he took a good look at everyone and sighed. He should consider himself lucky, as he was the only one who got a message from a loved one he thought dead. He could see in Thor's eyes, _eye?_ that pain of having lost everything. 

But he did get a farewell with Loki and Odin at least.

That recording was all Steve had. 

"We lost, all of us," he says to no one in particular, standing up and walking around the room.

"We lost friends," he thinks of Sam and Wanda, disappearing without a trace.

"We lost family," he thinks of Bucky, saying his name as he turns into dust and leaves Steve, for the fifth time in their lives.

"We lost a part of ourselves," he thinks of Tony, alone in space, with no resources to keep on going. 

He stays still and looks at everyone in the room directly into their eyes. Thanos was still out there, and there was a big possibility they would not make it out alive from this rescue mission.

But it was all they could do.

"This is the fight of our lives"

Natasha took a step forward and placed a hand in his arm, steadying him from losing himself.

"This is gonna work, Steve,"

"I know it is..." he says with a sigh, before turning to look at her. "Because I don't know what I'm gonna do if it doesn't"

He's going to get Tony back.

**Author's Note:**

> As you can see, that trailer left me in pain, so if you want to talk about the trailer and theories, I'm here.
> 
> Also, STEVE CRYING IS NOT OKAY AS WELL AS TONY TRAPPED IN SPACE


End file.
